My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
You Might Also Like
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo