ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
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Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.