My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
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I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
So glad we cleared that up
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
#dnd #ttrpg