VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
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When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Oh no
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.