*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
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Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
my first day as a raccoon
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.