It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
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My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
#SuperBowl
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
The internet is full of many things
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.