Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
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i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.