Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
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I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Brilliant!
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Got ya covered
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.