If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
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*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan