I missed you with all my darts
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Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Cause of death: Zumba
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Europe. Made in Germany.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins