*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
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[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Rt to bother an English speaker
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away