Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
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Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
For the baby who has everything
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see