Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
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Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
You saw nothing. I am ham.