The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
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[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.