I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
You Might Also Like
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Ugh but profoundly
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.