Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
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The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*