same bro
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What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.