Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
You Might Also Like
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?