[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
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6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I just love that new Pope smell.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.