My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
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[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner