Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
You Might Also Like
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
They got a point!
not to brag, but mine was free
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.