6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
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Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
We all have our pet causes.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Body by sandwich.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee