*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
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My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
God has abandoned us.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
“no gods no masters” = leo
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Noted.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no