“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows