Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
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Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Rt to bother an English speaker
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.