In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
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[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Stick it to the man
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.