Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
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Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
My life in a nutshell
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it