honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
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Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.