[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
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*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Sex so good you see dead people.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward