I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
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*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men