The asteroid..
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Imma just leave this here…………
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Noah was an idiot.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*