“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
You Might Also Like
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
is this meant to deter me
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.