absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
You Might Also Like
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.