I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
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*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Wednesday
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Can’t, holding a grudge
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there