“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
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My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers