Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
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Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel