Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
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A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
do horses think humans are hats
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?