If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
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I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream