him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
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[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes