[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
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good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.