Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
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Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
wishing you and yours all the best
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
it be like that
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.