Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
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Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Ah..makes sense now
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Cats (2019)
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine