I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
You Might Also Like
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in