if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
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My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
My brain is a bad influence on me
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
podcasts
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics