Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
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Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.