PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
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This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.