*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
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I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.