I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
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“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on