Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
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Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.