Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
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Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Whoa… oh I see lol
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.